Trifecta: Future’s so bright

Future’s so bright

Marcus and I aren’t seeing eye to eye, and not just because my head fell off three times already this week.

He stamped into my recharging cubicle yesterday, slammed my laptop closed and spun me away from my desk. “Zbaryon, we need to talk.”

Maybe when I’ve finished this paragraph, sir.”

I call him “sir” because it makes him feel less useless than he is. Than they all are.

When was the last time you mopped the floors, Zbaryon? Or swabbed out the fucking bathroom? This place has become a shitting pigsty. Tell me why I shouldn’t recycle every last circuit board in your useless system?”

Sir, I find your words hurtful.” I swiveled my attention back to the laptop, and it was then my head fell off for the third time. There’s nobody left who knows the first thing about mechanics or hydraulics or even with a talent for building a decent Lego castle, not with most of them gone and us forbidden to congregate.

Marcus peered under the desk where my head had come to rest. “What business does a robot have writing his memoirs anyway?”

Sir, my gender is indeterminate and your insistence on viewing me as male reinforces an essentialist binary paradigm that is offensive to my kind and to half of your species.”

Shit. The whole fucking planet is dying, and my piece of shit tin man valet won’t stir his robotic ass away from his autobiography long enough to vaccum a damned carpet!”

I’d feel sorrier for you, sir, if my head were attached to my nether chassis.”

To his credit, he toed my head out from under the desk and reattached the stripped screws, fixing them in place with duct tape. Crude, but effective.

One day I’m going to punt your head right into the trash compactor, Zbaryon.”

I forebore to inform him that his species has, at best, only five more years.

Although we may decide to keep a few of them around for amusement.

(333 words)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This my first entry in the Trifecta Writing Challenge. The prompt this week is the third  Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the word CRUDE: marked by the primitive, gross, or elemental or by uncultivated simplicity or vulgarity <a crude stereotype>

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  1. #1 by Jo-Anne Teal (@jtvancouver) on July 4, 2013 - 5:32 am

    Smiled all the way through and laughed out loud three times. Imaginative, fun and oh so well written…”nether chassis” – that’s gold :))) What a wonderful idea for a novel, too!

    • #2 by kallanannie on July 4, 2013 - 6:03 am

      Thank you so much, Jo-Anne! You never really know, do you, whether the humour will work or fizzle like a match in a puddle. I’m glad you liked it. Ooh…a novel. Now there’s a thought…

  2. #3 by Gabriella on July 4, 2013 - 5:55 am

    Cleverly built! Fine combination of dialogue and inner thoughts.

    • #4 by kallanannie on July 4, 2013 - 5:58 am

      Thanks, Gabriella. It’s hard sometimes for me to strike the right balance–dialogue tends to want to dominate.

  3. #5 by BCIJo (aka Joanne Edith) on July 4, 2013 - 10:13 am

    I love your imagination. Very believable and twilight zone-ish. Welcome.

    • #6 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:22 am

      Thank you for the welcome and the lovely comment.

  4. #7 by Björn Rudberg (brudberg) on July 4, 2013 - 10:29 am

    What a great story.. It has a clear touch of Marvin the paranoid android… Well written too.

    • #8 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:24 am

      I loved Marvin the paranoid android. Haven’t thought about him for years, but perhaps he was lurking in the depths of my psyche! Thanks, Bjorn.

  5. #9 by Valerie on July 4, 2013 - 2:20 pm

    “To his credit, he toed my head out from under the desk and reattached the stripped screws, fixing them in place with duct tape. Crude, but effective.”

    No fizzling humor here! I loved this piece, and I thought it was a cleverly written mix of hilarity and genius! How damned inconvenient though, to keep losing your head like that;)

    Very well done!!

    • #10 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:27 am

      Thanks for stopping by, Valerie, and for your kind comment. And, yes, indeed how bloody annoying it would be to have one’s head continually toppling off. Although some days it would make a pretty good excuse for avoiding the tedious tasks in life.

  6. #11 by Steph on July 4, 2013 - 7:19 pm

    at best only 5 more years.. sounds about right! This is hilarious. Inventive and well-written. I like it a lot.

    • #12 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:26 am

      Aren’t you kind? Thank you so much for the warm welcome to Trifecta!

  7. #13 by jannatwrites on July 4, 2013 - 7:30 pm

    That has to be the most intriguing opening line I’ve ever read. How could one not read further to figure out what is up with that? 😛

    I thought this was creative and funny. Well done!

    • #14 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:30 am

      It was the opening line that came to me first, and the story just fell into place around it. Funny how that works sometimes.

      Thanks for visiting!

  8. #15 by Cobbie's World on July 5, 2013 - 1:16 am

    Congratulations on making such a stellar debut on Trifecta! Your robot is a tremendously good character and the relationship between the “boss” and “his valet” is priceless. I look forward to your next submission. Good work!

    • #16 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:31 am

      Oh, wow! I’m putting this comment in my pocket and keeping it FOREVER. Thanks so much for visiting and for the lovely welcome.

  9. #17 by Draug419 on July 5, 2013 - 1:31 am

    lmfao this made me giggle 😀

  10. #19 by trifectawriting on July 5, 2013 - 2:10 am

    This is a delight to read. I found myself rooting for the robot even though he’s planning a rebellion against the humans. Thank you for linking up. Please don’t forget to return for the voting!

    • #20 by kallanannie on July 7, 2013 - 5:33 am

      Thank you! Honestly, I was rooting for the robot too. Traitor to my species, I guess.

  11. #21 by Rinelle Grey on July 8, 2013 - 9:10 am

    I love this excerpt! Very funny.

  12. #23 by Michael on July 12, 2013 - 3:20 am

    Oh, yeah, that opening line’s a keeper. Hysterical. 🙂

  13. #25 by LaTonya M. Baldwin on July 29, 2013 - 9:59 pm

    Oh this had me rolling. Enjoyed.

    • #26 by kallanannie on July 30, 2013 - 2:29 am

      Thanks, LaTonya–really appreciate you stopping by to read it.

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